dim the lights, she said

-go-

lushcake
numbness
glitch
kling
jolene
deanna
bogspeed
lizvixen
mimi
fifi
experience
kellynumb
pumpkineyes
djoshua
marigold
plasticknife
cherrybomb
dynstar

*PICTURES*

SWEETNESS
christian
PS@VIVA
Calliope Gig
PEKKIO GIG
NEWPICS
bowling
March12-1
March12-2
DPP_pics
D-gender
Solo's
PL DC526
EnRouteII
ThisFineDay
niteOWLS
heatwave
effects
pornopics

{archive}

sept 3 - dec 30
july3 - aug 27
june1 - july2
feb26 - apr7
apr7 - apr27
apr27-june1

sign my guestbook

*the new start*
try to be smart and figure this out. this is where it ends. end is good, end hits.

Thursday, March 7, 2002 09:12 p.m.

*the end is the beggining is the end*
this is where it all stops and ressurects in another more friendlier place. find me if u can

Tuesday, March 5, 2002 01:39 p.m.

*day58:: words*
You used to be more generous in your words. Am i forcing everything out from you?

Thursday, February 28, 2002 05:22 a.m.

*one more time*
another year lost to ageing. this is one of everyones neverending battles with life. and as we grow old, we tend to lose bits of ourselves to everyone that has seen us grow. todae is my birthday, but that is not of importance. whats important is that YOU are celebrating ur bday as well. and for that, happy birthday love. 8 more days till we meet again. its been a long run. but ill see you at the end.

Thursday, February 28, 2002 01:12 a.m.

*day54:: the countdown towards the end*
this is finally erupting. good thing ive already found a new HOME. if u happen to find it, sign and tell me. this will unravel it self BY itself. no more coercing, no more uncertain walking. this will be straigh as it can be. a few more days, a lengthy time of wait. so be gone and be happy. 1750hrs:: im god.

I took the What Mythological Creature Are you? test by !

Sunday, February 24, 2002 04:22 p.m.

*day53:: and still counting.*
talked to her todae. was nice. even though the topics of the day were kinda dodgy.. but i guess cant ask for so much. i noticed this goin one on pple's weblog... that if ur a girl, and u write abt all those heartshattering events and no matter how much they do the 3letter thingy on their sites... somehow pple always find it in their hearts to console them and give them words of encouragement. but if its a guy's weblog,.. woo haa. check out the things pple write in their guestbooks.. " dont be so emo its not the end of the world... ur irritating.. blah blah blah.." and all those stuff. not that im asking for consolation.. but.. why? cos its not proper to the society's view to hear or read a man's writing abt getting his feelings stamped on?.. why? fuck ur equal-gender-treatment's nonsense. u dun noe shit. if u feel u get disgusted by the things i write here or u feel that its improper, then get the fuck out. u have a choice of whether u want to view this. nobody forced u too. decent respect for everyone's private space is all that is needed. fuck.

goin to work now. 2nd day of night duty. last felt really funny at work. saw many things. but was too tired to actually be bothered by them. hopefully none of those repeat itself tonight. fuck fuck fuck.

Saturday, February 23, 2002 06:23 p.m.

*day51:: and now romans start the blame*
meet a very special friend yesterday. she's still as perky as always. albeit she's single cos she just broke up wif her guy. but alls well. had drinks at the windy patio of taka. fun. then went to eat pizza. had some drinks. regretted that cos my body was like on a strike yesterday. diarrhea and gastric pains.. sucky. talked and talked. was fun. to acually see somebody whom u've close too and actually to try to get back that same closeness. work took our time. then meet the rockstar guys at sleven. had an impromptu meeting to finalize the march slots. anyway abit of self promo::

march 2 2002 20:00 hrs :: the cards where always wrong
59minutes
marchtwelve
FC5 (japanese screamo)
Raikoris (nepal punkrock)
Forward Studio, Novena. entrance :: $4. leave ur macho jock attitude at home.

I am ZOE.
I'm in love with love.

Which Sesame Street Character Are You?

Thursday, February 21, 2002 12:00 p.m.

*day46:: guess who*
back. had a crappy gig wif marchtwelve. crappy in a sense that the whole fucken borders had a hell of a natural echo. that everything sounded so far away from each other. sigh. but it was nice cos all those who mattered where there... well almost ALL. thanks for all who came. will be better on march 2nd i promise

heard the angels cried for joy ( i think ) today. also saw the cherub draw. and write sumthing. and show emotions. wow. ur one hell of player dude. and yes, jacko wears a glittered gloves. the one wif the white gloves was mickey mouse. nice guy though. but always ended last. im dopey. im sleepy. twenty hours of being up and about is no joke. im dead beat. beat red. so this is on. the painful realisation, that all has gone wrong.

Saturday, February 16, 2002 03:58 a.m.

*fuck your day bitch*
decided to do myself this one favor :: continue on with the tradition. this is the 7th year im alone on this specific money-wasting day. glad though. purposely requested for an afternoon shift todae. so i wont have the desire to go town. anyway, i have friday to look forward to. marchtwelve at borders. 0730pm.

you should be happy. all the usual hearts to you and in everything that you do.

2340hrs:: this is what its like to be alone. and it feels like this way for quite some time now. sad romantics. romance always ends in tragedy. so go fuck romance in the rear end.

Thursday, February 14, 2002 03:04 a.m.

*clean after tomorrow*
To see the beginning end is saddening especially to the one who didn’t even expected a new start in what is already in progress. Maybe I don’t see the realism involved, because everything is gray behind the feelings. Find me in these fields with my arms filled with that reddish thing that seeps through my shirt. When angels spread their wings and fly,.. that’s how it mattered. If everything was perfect in my eyes, then maybe you wouldn’t be. Just don’t stop moving me in the direction of your desire. Its getting late but I don’t mind. Im only getting dressed but your already there. And I miss you in time. Remembering how the smile on your face makes me blush. And break my heart. Your tiny movements, and drawing pictures of nothing important. That's what caught the moment.

Wednesday, February 13, 2002 03:45 p.m.

*no more of this*
fuck you. fuck everyone of you

u think i need this. u think i noe this. maybe i do but i dont think u wld say it. im not making much sense now but who gives a flying fuck abt that. all i noe is that i wish i can leave and never turn back. maybe ill be a vagabond to where im going. nomadic lifestyle. at least i dont have to deal with human beings. oh the sickening sight of them. why is alway ard. but and if are roaming close behind. tell me, does my voice crack when u here me say things? or am i just plain blind and stupid to the fact that ur so dumb and immature. maybe u cld be a star. maybe. but until the time u do, make sure u dont make me cry. cos i need the necessities that u have now. none of what i am abt makes sense anymore. im the rockstar u will never ever get to see the in the morning. cos i sleep in the day. so u can be happy. oh fuck you. and your smile. and your whisper. and your sickening views on everything i need to have to be happy. im happy, but i dont think u are the cause. maybe because i dont see you. the lie of immorality. wait till i get to bitch slap your face. bitch/slut/bastard/whore/lier. all of the above. choose one and be happy.

Tuesday, February 12, 2002 12:28 a.m.

*day38:: it all falls down like toy soldiers*
long day ahead. sheesh. work politics never seemed to be so much fun. but i think this is all wrong. i shouldnt be in the territory im in now. everything is so wrong.. yet it feels so right. dewi noes what im talking abt. i didnt expect to experience this,.. especially at work. not part of my work iterinary. sheesh. but i think there's a hidden meaning to all thats arising from this. more like... a back-up plan for something. something that i noe will kill me ,.. but due to this,.. it wont.. hopefully. im happy and all.. but just confused. and now it all sways the way i wnat it,.. but not the way i see it. i see you.

pok is back wif a new layout. hehe. so who is pok. haha. see yah.

Friday, February 8, 2002 11:00 p.m.

*day37: liquor driven madness*
due to unwise usage of alcohol the author of the most talked about soap opera within his own "friends" has decided to take time off to recuperate. we're sorry for the inconvinienced caused. did i get that right? burp.

im angry. guess why. beeep! wrong answer. there goes your free trip back *home*.

Thursday, February 7, 2002 01:25 a.m.

*not only a date*
the one im supposed to do. the one im supposed to pull off. the one that is supposed to make u cry. come march 2nd for the rockstar collective gig, i wish you'd be there.

march/in/london
"come to think of it, i never really asked for any of this. because i have never seen what is behind. sweet december and the bitter next. as far as i remember, i was myself in all of things. so far apart, so far away. now is the time to meet behind the bridges. fate has always been such a call of lies. but she said i was wrong to think of this as a passing moment. twenty nine in numbers, twenty eight in days. just to be in this keeps the mood in bay. just to be in this keeps the heart in pieces."

there u go. my singing debut.

Wednesday, February 6, 2002 12:27 a.m.

*day34:: all the usual hearts to you*
had a fun day yesterday... (despite the disappoinment yesterday morning... sigh. whatever makes you happy.. ) met dewi and sham to attend the POD gig. haha. funny sia. anyway my main purpose there was to check out their equipments. mesa boogie and lotsa analog effects. suprising for a nu metal band to use all analog effect. but it was ok. had fun though. home shamarooni gets his voice back again. its so hard to imagine and hear someone like him whine. haha

met four girs who made a lot of difference in my life yesterday as well. got my hugs and kisses. hugs are wonderful. and almost every culture practice it.. i guess. so if u wanna feel good, contact me and ill give you a good hug. haha. hugs on sms are sweet too. .esp from pple we love.

marchtwelve is jamming again todae!! so is post_this!! this shit is genius!.. haha. gonan try out all the new *heavy* laden songs for marchtwelve todae.

and u noe that i'll be thinking of you. all the time. with my feet planted on the ground. so that the falling part wont hurt so much when it happens.

1404hrs:: but now everything's falling apart. crumpled papers. i dont know what to make of certain things now. . . some things that are nearby are making alot of progression. whereas where my mind brings me to places that have been confusing me so much. its like being in a bubble and trying to get out.. and there are two options. one is to roll around for 5 minutes till you see the knife.. and come out of it still alive. the other is to keep on moving/travelling till you've reach the end of the cliff and just keep on moving some more and end up in a nicer place but with floating tendecies (if that's where im headed to). on a thursday, we saw paris in flames.

Monday, February 4, 2002 06:41 a.m.

*day33:: lucky to be alive.*
its been awhile. been doing night duty for the last two days.. have one more to go, after that, marchtwelve will start jamming again! its been so long since we last jammed. we seem to have this bad habit of jamming for the sake of gigs. bad, bad, bad. hhmm. must be changed. anyway, the rockstar gig was a blast (i think),.. even though i just got to see dyfectra's set as i hafta to leave for work. and for all of you pple who are out to question rockstar collective's values and purpose, why dont you meet me? i have alot of things to say. you dont have the right to bring us down, goddamnit, just because we are a 'small' collective. fuck you and your harsh words. we do things in way we think that will benefit the kids more. we are not out to get your money. my god,.. you pple are still bitching. no gig - bitch. got gig - still wanna bitch. you noe who you are. and i hope one day u realise that whatever we are doing is for a good cause, not for our POCKET'S cause. cos we do give our very best in doing every fucking gig we present to you pple. inconsiderate bastards. and who are you to tell us that we are ripping kids off when u have not even attended any of our gigs?? fuck you. shut your mouth and just start dancing.

i heard my angel's voice today. felt so good. you are on a roll, arent you? im glad i almost made your tears drop. mine almost did. felt so sad having to put down the phone. but wait. all good things come to those who wait.. i think. it feels so good to be alive. im lucky to be alive. maybe i should try to keep myself alive. oh shit.. starting to sound like that dumb ass POD song. anyway will see them later. haha. the carnage will begin, and your's will only last for a minute. i still love the angel. strawberry (not cheese.. hehe) and wine sounds good. im so happy. are you?.. this is one of the variety that i often wish i was in. sham knows what im talking abt here. maybe i should start making more effort in keeping myself breathing. oh, did i tell you that i *heart* you? mushy mushy me. sheesh.

Sunday, February 3, 2002 06:40 a.m.

*day30:: my left heart*
learned alot today. if i told u i was holding back on certain current things because of you, what wld u say? i think i was holding back alot of things, especially those that i though i had control over. i realised that i'll fall again if i pursued this. luckily i didnt. seriously. i mean, how cld i expect to feel this way so soon when im my heart is still in place i hope is safe. have yet to retrive it back. am i growing a new one due to the lack of the previous one??.. maybe i am. i dunnoe. i think part of me is lacking. i feel lost and empty inside. i seek for solace in the most unlikely places. i may have had fun, but it sure was on pure sadness. not the way i feel abt you. i noe u wld be unhappy to see me denying myself of certain things. the truth is, i kinda like it this way. in the middle of the eye is the tender, soft, yet often misplaced emotion. you shouldnt be carrying on the silence. i have to break through somehow. if its killing me, is it doing the same thing to you? if not,.. then why the hell are we fighting this for?..

1342hrs::

See what Care Bear you are.

tell me whats wrong with me now.

1600hrs:: i should start killing myself now. slowly. piece by piece. its always advisible to start of with the extremeties, so its like sludgy in a way. slow. wait. i forgot my knife. its placed at such a far away place i need a plane to get there.

Thursday, January 31, 2002 03:50 a.m.

*day28:: like toy soldiers*
everything has reach the point of no more realisation. everything is caving in so fast im begginning to wonder if all of these has come to an end. the countdown has begun and i dont even feel the need to stop it. i guess ive grown out of this but part of me still says im in serious denial about a whole lotta things. it shouldnt start/end this way, but im killing myself so many times now that ive forgotten how it feels like to be in state of peace. forget that i ever existed and live on with your lives as im not really in sync with everyone, more like im a tail dragging behind you and your silly little manifestos. i should cry now but i wont cos it doesnt make a difference. cos u cant see me. and i cant see you. and we both noe this will never be the stuff dreams are made of. more of like the stuffs nightmares exude.

this is what it's like to be alone
i love you.

Tuesday, January 29, 2002 12:12 p.m.

*day27:: say hello. now say goodbye*
im starting to wonder.. or maybe even doubt, that what i need to do will place a scar in me so deep it will be damn obvious even to the blind. everything now is a blur, and i cant even see through this. the start button is always the one that will push you further.. pause every now and then. game over if you dont make it. i think game over is watching me from the clouds now. if i fall from this, there will be NO way im gonna get up... i'll eventually fall, i want no one to catch me. sorrow is in this season. followed by the next best thing, which is anguish. perhaps the storyline meant to end up in way it could never have a second coming. this should last a lifetime. but it wont. cos we know lifetimes are dime a dozen. ill check thru my wallet to see if i have some more loose change. i need plenty.
the need to feel that way makes me realise i dont need somethings in my life at the moment. everything else is obsolete compared to the past memoirs of what has happened. i live way behind what it is now, and im happy this way. or so i thought. if i were an artist/superhero or sumthing needs a title, ill be known as "the/escape/artist". never the one to face reality. always obscure in ways non-comprehensive to mankind. push me down now. i need this. i need the face wif the name. no more compromises. im all out straight and looking forward. with the occasinal glimpse behind.

this is only fun for me.

dont brood over it too much. you'll get over it somehow and i promise ill go along with you all the way. just dont go into any relapse now. it affects the healing process. how alike are we sumtimes, to always dwell in the past. now till the 30th we will have our most memorable milestone in our new found friendship, and believe me, i wldnt have made it this far if not for the fact you carried my baggage. now its my turn to carry yours. it wont be as light as mine, considering your took years to accumulate, but ill find my way to pull it off. here's to where we started and where we will go from now. cheek to cheek is always nice. lunch in the northside is always nice.

Monday, January 28, 2002 12:10 a.m.

*day26:: all has gone wrong*
thanks for everyone who supported the rockstar collective this january. come next mth, we have killer lineups every sat nite. last night's round was awesome. the moderates, tears of despair, and realize. madnor just came back from phili and he had flu. hopefully he'll be well soon so marchtwelve can start recording again. next week, we have bands line dyfectra, lead(II)nitrate and kate of kale to grace our home. wont be there though as ill be werkin night duty. sucky.

"... and daria was torn thinking as to where her heart really is. she couldnt decide as there were too many external factors affecting her decisions. maybe ill be happy this way, but i sure wanna noe how it is like on the other side. these thoughts often run through her mind. she cried for days till it dawned to her that this will take a lifetime. confused as she was, she kept yaberring to herself till she cld no longer take it, she decided to end it all. it has never been diffucult once u have your mind set to doing it. now daria will no longer be heard singing or humming along to any songs. all they cld remember of her was the halo behind her head that overshined everyone else's. dim the lights,.. she said... "

1540hrs:: at work now… can wait for the 30th. Will be having dinner wif colleagues, and you.. working never felt so much better since you arrived, and i'm thankful for that.. at least u helped me get my mind of things that bother me most of the time. Hopefully we all stay the same. I’m sorry to hear things don’t work out for you, but i’m here to listen.. did you hear my voice?

all the usual hearts to you
in everything that you do
you make me know I’ve got a lot to live for
and somehow I’ve made it through
all the usual hearts to you
in everything that you do
I wish I had more to leave you
and if you’re ready for some restless sleep we can plan to meet, … maybe some mundane monday

Sunday, January 27, 2002 10:55 a.m.

*day25:: vague, haunting mass appeal*
thanks for the special moment just now. you will never realise what's going on but ill be there if you do. just hang on to what is available, and the rest will fit in nicely to cover everything up. your movements are so freaking graceful. too bad i dont dig that shit. but you were beautyful todae.
hung out with the freaks and the ghouls last night at novena.
this is not abt you, you, you, and you. this is all abt you, you, and you. i certainly like the honesty, but im tired of this shit
if it breaks, ill gladly help you pick all of it up. but i dont know if im willing to help you place them back
this will certainly move the holy, but im not. so try not to encase me inside the dark for too long. i might just become the fear you hated to see. test run, anyone??

Saturday, January 26, 2002 02:06 p.m.

*day24:: back to the good ol life*
just woke up. let me see,.. its fucken 4:40am. shit. gona werk soon. how are the signs like today. overlooked the ones yesterday. didnt really knew how things where gonna transpire. the falling hearts just keep on falling, wif only the familiar name of mine in site. yours, well, is supposedly not at ur desk. how intriquite. sounds of heaven's tears are making such a rhythmic pattern im beggining to fall asleep again. the light's too bright, my eyes' shut. oh ok. i think im just being to goddamn sensitve to my surroundings at the moment im forgetting the main mitigational factor im up :: work. aww fucken hell.

Friday, January 25, 2002 04:39 a.m.

*day23:: why cant we hold on*
had a great time yesterday. went to meet sham, anne. dewi, djodjo and wan in the hopes of getting to see mysquaredcirlce play at TP. but due to conniving decisions by TP they hafta play earlier, so we didnt get to see them. we went to eat at corporate macs instead. we were busy doing our prada model looks, and that "reaction of vampire to sunlight" snarl. hehe. fun. i hope anne is having fun in her new working environment. anyway , since me djo sham and wan were there we decided that post_this should jam. hehe. hence we book the studio. saw resist//control jamming. fucking awesome!! ala envy(jap) wif femme fatale vox (kin and rina! woo hoo!). u guys should check out this band. post_this jamming was ok. creative juices not flowing.. only other juices. hah. anyway jaming this fri again, so hopefully wif the right instruments we feel the flow. came out wif a new song though. but the fun began after jamming. abang let us play wif his trinity korg synthesizer, and a ds korg. spontanueos jamming feeling trip hop/drumnbass/hiphop. hah. i was the honorary drum meister. djo/sham the melodic dou. wan was,.. well,.. ah. he left early. we recorded the stuffs we did. abang helped us with some voice overs. hahaha. damn funny ah he.

i hope u had fun. stop worrying abt me and worry more abt what u are facing there now. its good to noe u still care, but ill be more worried if u dont take care of yourself. im just at that phase where everything comes in in a negative way. but it will pass. spring never felt this good. the wait is slowly going away day by day and i noe ill see you there. im drowning in shallow water, sinking way too deep.

Thursday, January 24, 2002 01:14 p.m.

*day22:: the day the heavens cried on me.*
man oh man. what a day. physically and emotionaly hurting. taxing to the human being. which i think i am but sumtimes i feel like im just part of the whole machina sytem. garce of god? dun think so. its so blardy painful, both of em. i feel the pain skin level,.. and beyond that as well. didnt noe i still have sum left. but all of it came rushing out after the fat lady sang. and oh my god, what a lovely voice. never have i heard the angels roar in such sadness. never.

i still wear your heart around my throat. and trying hard not to choke. but i should be older,.. and colder this way. never to be the one who claps to the rhythm. cos its to bland and pointless at times it questions the whole epitomy of what has transpired.

this should not be an issue of what pain is. this should be a lesson of what not to make of things when they come at such lighting speed, and leaves likewise. but my heart should be able to hold on till spring so i cld have the last tear before i see the shadows and what's behind them. this has truly been one hell of a depressing 7 days. i wish i cld go and see where it went wrong. after so many trials, i think i should be closer to home now. from the cube to the queen, this has been a moment of "aaww"...

Wednesday, January 23, 2002 04:09 a.m.

*day21:: ice cube days*
went to meet the main rockstars last night to do sum last minute meeting. heh. so for like feb, all the bands ARE already confirmed. as for marc, there are still one or two more glitches. but will be settled in no time at all. meet jon chiong. have fun in NZ wif the sole attention guys aight. take more photos of the skies!!
there's gonna be like a month more till my bday. so i guess its just fair i placed a list of my 'possible' wanted bday gifts::
electroharmonix "smallstone" efx
lesley(hah)
fountain of youth. the real thing
white gibson SG/Ibanez Iceman/ESP viper
what sham/bob gave me last year.. but more extreme.heh
canon G2
compact polaroid
e-bow
you singing a song in ur most angelic voice. hah

how?.. not that much to ask for aye??. heh.

Tuesday, January 22, 2002 10:54 a.m.

*this is where the heart is*
guess what.

im sorry

u should be the one fluttering above me.

Monday, January 21, 2002 11:27 a.m.

*day20:: visions//nightmares*
why are u so scared to carry on the topic? why the sudden change? it kills me sumtimes that whenever i say sumthing thoughtful you hafta be in the steering wheel and steer us off another direction. going straight too hard for you? you noe i wouldnt hate you if u just tried. you just might like it. you dun always need to be the one who is walking ahead of me. there are no complications in what there is, if any, around us. we make it seem like its diffucult to grab it by the horns. and thats what kills it. do u feel cold now? the warmth experienced is almost gone. how i wish it cld stay longer. i want to make it stay. im still trying too. your turn now. cos there are sumthings that needs a duo to function. i might just know the answers.. but that will kill the build up. so stop goin around the race track. head for the finish line. and guess what,.. it might just make feel happy....., and make u smile.

i feel much better now knowing that u do as well. the similarities end when liking is involved. behind the bridges. the eye with its more valid details. im sorry for whatever it is i need to be. and for making u feel depressed. its not as if im not. i am too. im just getting by a day at a time. but the time is killing me. ill be dead before u cld say "cherub".

Monday, January 21, 2002 12:12 a.m.

*day19:: empty stars*
horoscope
"A secret love or admirer will make themselves known slowly but surely over the coming weeks so get ready for some secret romantic action. An unexpected expense could put a serious dent in your bank account so if you're going to flaunt your finances at least do it for a good reason. If you listen to your subconscious you'll soon realise that money really isn't everything. Pay special attention to your dreams, which could point you in the direction of a new source of income or something far more precious and valuable to you spiritually"
now aint that a bitch. mo money, mo money, mo money!

nice knowing the clock is still moving the right direction. nice knowing the stars aint that empty after all. nice knowing you. thanks for everyone who turned up for the rockstar collective gig.

part of me wish i didnt found this. cos its hurting me i cant feel anything else. i really wanna be there but not all pple have all the advantages. i just dont need this now. if i were to leave wld u stop me? i may not be him, but i certainly am myself. sometimes i wsh we didnt have mouths to speak words we do not really want to use. im interpreting signals of emotions that are not mine, lost somehow. but ill find it for you if it makes u happy., only then will truly realise that what i wished for was right. you think i deserved this? its so cold inside u im freezing when ur nearby. goddamn it, i like you but this is not how i wanna fall down. im tired and wanna sleep. for good. goodnight.

Sunday, January 20, 2002 05:55 a.m.

*day18:: wish you were here*
gonan be working in 5hrs time. need to sleep but burning midnight oil again. sleep wont come. so i hafta make it come. and i think this is the process that will eventually kill me. its so bad yet it feels so good. intoxicated by this little thingy they call blue. yellow is nice but blue is definitely nicer to me. missed a day but it still doesnt make a difference. above the counter is fine, but behind the hidden door is where its at. im fighting now and i dont think im winning. maybe its scripted that it should end this way. no one saw the white owl until i spotted it and tried to catch it. i think i have better luck in finding the chesire cat. march 7th, not march 12. in the hope of finding what i lost. what i lost but that which i noe i can find only if i go the distance. it kills deftly i love it so much. im addicted. i need a favour. pull the plug.. but it will need years of comfort to find it. i may have 23 more to go. then i have to go. maybe ill end up where u want me to be. lost will definitely be the main ingredient. i wish i was. but i never was, so im hoping for the metal to start spinning before it enters so the pain will be less. but i think i like the pain more than the release. im sick and i now whats happening. dont hafta be a rocket scientist to figure out how it ended up this way. im burned out. the giving up part is so easy. ill give up and you'll be happy. i dont need a nest. i need warmth. maybe it will help but that will be in a longshot. nobody has ever gone to the center.. i wanna be the first. pull the trigger and end it now. sayonara suckers.

Saturday, January 19, 2002 12:15 a.m.

*day16:: mosquito attack*
ffuucckk!!! aargh!! my goddamn pc crashed!. .shit. and all my presentations are inside. fuck!! im using my laptop now. shit. shit shit shit. should have saved them in a disk. fuck. so stupid of me. im having a feeling im cursed. by somebody. fuck. im so fucken angry. and now my laptop is also giving me some problems. i have to go to werk later (meaning wake up at 0500am, thats if i SLEEP at all).. and i hafta present by 1315 later. im so confused abt what to do now. worked so hard for this, then this kind of things hafta happen. fuck. im sorry if i wont be able to see you online for the next few days. if u want me to call you sms me. anyway jammed wif sham, wan and djodjo again. we've got 4 songs under our belt. 2 more and we get to play gigs. then after that, release a mini EP, then we disband. so rockstar. haha

do you think of me, like i do of you.

2325hrs:: dont cry. ive never thought u are capable of doing so. but im glad that u thought of me when you have the sky crashing down on you. sometimes we look for things that makes us happy and we go all out just to find it... but sometimes, these things are just aroudn us. and we often shrug them off subconsciously. but fact is fact that it takes risk to be in what u went through. and i hope you are alright now. dry those tears away. ive accomplished that. and i hope u find ur way in my home. ive kept a special place for you. nights

sumtimes i wonder if ill ever wake up from my nightmares. all i see is darkness and it scares the shit out of me. i saw you and now i need for this madness to end.

the strawberries have never been fresher. and sweeter. the strawberrylushcake incident. nice name for a band. nice name for you. nice to wear too. the fragrance of the day. thank you. for giving me this. the words dont come out easily but if they do, then i think ill live on.

Thursday, January 17, 2002 12:51 a.m.

*day15:: when the shadows grow long*
man. just finished preparing for my presentation. shit. getting a migraine. where are the panadol extra's when u need em.. getting sick. can feel it coming. bought the new GRADE album todae "Headfirst straight to Hell". they've matured. so much more better than "under the radar". was out wif the same-hair couple (sham and anne). then met dewi, pul, wan, shain at scotts. Went to play games at arcade. the feeling is still fresh you know. how u beat me at my favourite game. your such a cheat. haha. you didnt even noe what u where doing... and herein lies your sweetness and halo like presence. hah. u wish. will be working later, afternoon shift. then after that jamming wif my project band, along wif sham, djo and wan. so fun.

rockstar collective is finally getting what it deserves. i wanna sell out. big time.

Wednesday, January 16, 2002 04:49 a.m.

*day14:: of cherubs and strawberries*
man. im still such a coward for not living it up. got shit scared i decided to carry on wif my sleep and not get up till like its all over. and now its all over, all i get are backlashes from pple who knew and found it i was not at the place i should be in right now. im sorry for not being able to live up againts my fears. tell me u were not in my position before. the monkey said im dead, but the pig said im alive. so tell me where i stand now.

but i was shocked. firstly to see that a certain someone still visits here. my home. and she does it so deftly im quite unaware of everything until she makes it so obvious..

anyway, she has her own home. so go visit her or sumthing.thanks for the image you sent. aaww.... hahah. a moment of aww. shit. now im all fluffy inside.

im so irritated by the fact that it takes alot of unnessecary actions to actually apply for a stupid visa to go to london. unaware that all of these be complied wit hor else, no visa. stuffs they are asking for includes::
-letter of invitation from her
-letter of proof/evidence of funds (like im so poor..)
-letter from my company
-complete flight iterinary
so much hassle just to spend two weeks wif the devilwoman. but i guess it will be worth it. hopefully..

Tuesday, January 15, 2002 03:06 p.m.

*day13:: new found glory*
these past few days have been the longest. and i cant believe that it has not even reached 2 weeks. meaning from tomorrow onwards i have like ard 7 more weeks. before we meet. anticipation can be such a bitch. but i guess it will be worth the wait. to wake up in your appartment. the net connection is killing me, its tight noose on my neck has no apparent chance of being release. but its nice knowing how id be able to lose some of things ive been scared abt in just a few more moments. anyway im so proud of you to have been able to make, and stick by some tight ass decisions in your life. shows alot abt who you really are and where you're coming from. on feb and march, on two special days, id be able to relieve some of the best things that happened. and id rock you out only if you where standing in front of me.. it doesnt matter if its soft or loud. id make sure you here what im playing and be moved. moved so much you will noe how it feels like being a cherub. unable to speak. yes. our song. our song and for those who are fortunate enough to have what we have. you cheeky bitch. hee haw. cowboy hats and dark sunglasses. love is over rated

hopefully i dont get sick again. i always get sick after my night rounds. and as i promised, ill watch a movie with you toms. just for this. even though i made it a point to remind myself the first movie id ever watch for this new year wont be in this shitty island. but i keep my promises. bad things is that, those are usually to others, not me.

and on tuesday i need to face my worst fears. pray

have i waited to long see you?

1230pm:: just woke up. reached home at 0830, slept at 0900am, now just woke up. 3 hrs of sleep. woke up because saw u hugging me. thats why. woke up to the smell of angel's breath. serious. haha. my collegue was playing with it the whole night last night and she spilled(not really, she chased me and sprayed on me) a lot on my hands. haha. gonna meet wan soon. and 'unable to speak' is still irritating my eardrums. hahaha. stupid. stupid. stupid. morning lushcake. have a nice day ahead.

Monday, January 14, 2002 02:24 a.m.

*born.twenty.eight.*
Listen up everybody, there's this new club in town, it's the greatest, most elite club anyone could come up with. We are looking for all born on feb 28, all ages, all races, all shapes and all sizes. We shall be called born.twenty.eight. and we shall have just 28 members. Please email me at here to join. There is only one criteria. You have to be born on the 28th of February, between 00:01 hours and 23:59 hours inclusive. This is the long awaited for conglomeration of pisceans and this will sweep the world off its feet. Founding members are the baboon and the chreub. go figure, or go join us. later

Sunday, January 13, 2002 04:34 a.m.

*day12:: the inward/outward factor of e=mc*
hi. still the usual. yup, still alive, contrary to popular belief. to wake up seeing and reading your thoughts is what id love to do for quite sometime. i just dont want to feel this way forever. with the miniclock forever stuck at 2147hrs.

laughter/ jay chou/ stupid mandarin R&B/ diamonds/ window rings/ march/ dover/ morningh laughters/ blush/ mini poses wif earphones/ sum41/ nose digging/ webcams/ imissyou's/ cry/ tears/ yearning/ eighthours/ pyjamas/ cowboyhats/ middlefinger/ fags/ southbanklondon/

.... these are the shit for now on.. hope they jog ur superficially lighted morn. and you. thanks for the laughter/tears. and for ruining my musical taste wif jay chou. i noe YOU love J.C. you just hafta say it. sumtimes i wonder what or how things wld be like if im holding back now. like a certain person i know.

you shouldnt have entered inside again. you look like shit, and the only thing i cld do to you now is step on you. but i wont cos then ill have smelly feet. so how abt i just flush you down the memory lane. maybe im being an extremist, but so does everyone else. everybody is doing, so why not us. there's no us you lying cunt. only me.

Sunday, January 13, 2002 03:36 a.m.

*day11:: ive got the star,.. do you have the bucks??*
me doing night duty now. reporting to you pple live from the confines of the looney house. doing first night. sigh. so quite and lonely here. im like burning songs to my md outside now. burning ataris, mineral (hahaha) and getupkids. so lame. i noe. so laugh. and be merry.

went out wif shain todae. we went to kinokuniya coffee club express, and got caught in the rain there. now having some sorta flu. anyway, spilled my drink on my pants, .. again. for 3 fucking days in a row i spilled drinks on my clothes. how unoriginal. then met wan at hmv and proceeded on to starbuxx at orchard point. had my mocha frap. funny how i was quite defensive abt wan sitting down at the chair on my right. cos you see, thats where we exactly sat down at., same table. so wan ended up sitting in front of me. must have been a subconcsious thingy... but what the hell. im still pretty much trying to hold on to the leftover memoirs of our escapades. had a very heart warming talk wif shain n wan. really good to let out sumthings outta your system once in a while. toms.. or should i say later's rockstar collective gig will be a blast. so will the next one, then the next one, then the next one.. hehe. but i wont be ard later as im working. shit. sucky to do nights during the weekends,.. but what the heck. i need the dough. or else my bridges and castles will be just a dream. like how they started out to be. somebody got pissed drunk man.. hehe. miss yah.

0830am:: just got back home. weird thing at work just now.. one of the looney ones approach me and started crying. he was speaking in tamil, so i approached my collegue and asked her what he was saying. she said he ket saying that i was gonan die soon, and there was nothing he can do. now that was weird cos this was the same guy who gave one of the staff a winning 4D number. now im dumbfounded. she asked him how, and the guy just said, "from the inside" in tamil. getting freaked out. he only stopped crying once he did this sorta like hindu prayer for me. i was so shocked abt the whole thing. what if there was some truth in it?? .. .. .. .. .. well, even if i was to go soon, at leats i wanna go UK first.

Saturday, January 12, 2002 01:07 a.m.

*day10:: all flat out*
im just abt to lose all of it. im beginning to wonder if im in denial, or im just in love. maybe both, but now i often wonder.. why? so many questions to ask wif "why" in front. but i just cant find all the answers. and its killing me to noe that they around sumwhere but im just to dumb/blind/pathetic to find them. i need to go for my annual scans next week and im shit scared. hold on to me, hold on to my hand. cos im scared of what's tomorrow gonna be like. bleak... or sunrise.,..?

Friday, January 11, 2002 03:13 a.m.

*day8:: and everything else comes to light*
went on and passed my bcls test. met wan after that for a coffee at borders cafe. his friends gave us a free meal. how nice. then proceeded on to meet anne and shamster at coffee been @ boat quay. spent the whole day talking and gossiping abt lotsa stuffs. of girls, guys, kisses on forheads, toilet seats, bra's, armpits, mats, london, politics,.. you name it, we gossiped abt it. aargh fuck it. im not in the mood to share anything now. fuck off.

1043am:: im meeting you at the places ive come to fear the most. i dont know how to react to this. your voice was trailing behind me since batam. meeting up aint easy. so does giving up. like what we did to ourselves in the past. to deny the excitement will be like lying to myself that a part of you is still inside. but its dying, and im glad for that.

do not blame yourself for our lack of conversational material or inability to communicate last night. i was holding back on a lot of things. sometime i feel i give too much i forget myself and things i worked hard in achieving for. like loving myself. if you think what im gonna do is not gonna be of importance to you then let me know, so i dont have to venture ten thousand miles just to have dissappointment slap and in the face and leave me lying flat on the cold hard ground of which you stay. the thinking process will not leave. hence i hafta to do what i hafta do to somehow get me back to this reality. i can already sense the boredom in your voice. i hope this is just a passing phase. or all else is doomed. ill hold your hand so we can go to the edge and be..

11:16pm:: i may not be able to accept this, but you still know how to run me through your fingers. i will not praise you, for i know of your ultimate reason as to why today has to BE today. im not dumb as how your friends tot me out to be. im smarter than you. than any of your peers. its just that i noe how to feel more than you do. so please, ill pass you the knife so you cld cut your tongue off. so all these lies cld stop. and all those loving words end. ill eat you like you eat me. but this time, i'll make sure i swallow. you fucking bitch.

Wednesday, January 9, 2002 02:37 a.m.

*day7::burst and bloom*
just came back home. went out with wan, dewi, sham and jon. went for emo drives. haha. was singing along to the whole of the get up kids cd. actually trying to harmonise with the songs.. damn! their songs are usually in high keys.. so have to do improvisation. hah. had dinner at bugis. then went to the merlion opp padang. took some jumping pics. haha. and i fell flat on the ground once. cos i was trying to avoid the kerb. shit. gonna leave a mark in the morning. thats for sure. and its confirmed.. im going to LONDON in march. after marchtwelve plays for the rockstar collective's "the great lion city takeover" series!!.. and be prepared. check out the bands we are gonna play with. haha. be very scared

some memories of you are like diseases. they infect my memories. so many times in a day the thinking proces happens. i dont believe in wasting time searching for the truth i cant find.. lets pretend we fall in love tonight. maybe i will see you on a holiday. come march.. ill be on my way back home.

happy playing with dead people. its 5pm there and im gonna sleep now. sleep wont come but ill make sure i grab it by its horns and hug it closely. just like how i do to your sweetness. goodnight, starlight.

Tuesday, January 8, 2002 12:20 a.m.

*day6:: if you dont, dont.*
online. onscreen
4 am here is 9 pm there. and im not losing sleep
went for the gig at YMS just now. pretty pissed off with the sound the other bands got... while those bands who got good sound, well it was pretty obvious the organisers fancy them, or sumthing like that. facism in our little scene. how cute of you guys. bastards. went for dinner with the guys at bencoolen street just before Plainsunset played. im really starting to smile a whole lot more these days. and, oh my god, i still noe how to laugh. ps guys have been making me feel good these few days. been laughing alot lately. maybe its due to the fact i noe that if i want to i can see you everyday. and if i want to i can feel your thoughts as well. and now im talking to you behind the screen. im a happier man knowing that im in this predicament. just need your help to solve this. get through this. the whole distance thingy is carving a wide angled cannal inside of me and its making my insides flow outside so quick, im getting burned out. i need a new me.

you dont know how much ill give away everything just to hold your hands now, or even just to see you standing in front of me now. i always feel safe by your side, but wld you feel the same? i love the things you say to make feel safe but its never enough. i need more. i need more than what you say. i need to feel you.

the flashing lights are coming back again, and its knocking me out cold, dead and flat on my face. i wish they'd go away as fast as i fell for you.

Monday, January 7, 2002 03:51 a.m.

*day5:: you in my screen*
yes. im typing this while im looking at you now. its nice to hear you voice again. and to look at your face now. all these technology shit are just the bomb. your so pretty. pitas has been a very naughty site this year.. i dont know. i dont really know what to say now cos ive told you all of them just now. but it was nice knowing abt your feelings. just that i wished circumstances where more different. or maybe they are right and that i just hafta make things happen. that i hafta follow whatever it is im feeling right now and make the best of the situation.. you maybe right about things having their own bright side. so show me where's the light behind all this?.. im guessing im just one lucky son of a bitch to have met you. and thanks for the life you've given back to me.

the rockstar collective's "the great lion city takeover" series 1.1 gig has been a success. thanks to all the pple who attended and where part of it. next week will be another one.

01:32pm :: man im stoked. just woke up from you. i really hope that nail polish color i chose would turn out to be quite alright.. 325. sleep wont come, and maybe ive hindered it, cos the times i close my eyes makes my angel come down from these clouds to put me to a slumber i know ill only wake up from in tears. as it was just now. flashes of you holding on to your dear life with me beside are images that are very hard to fold and put behind my back. nothing makes sense anymore. you've broken through the barrier with your real self, and now im more oblivous to what you are, and now i knew i should have told you a million things when you where around. give me a long paper and ill gladly jot all of em down for you. it might take some time, 5 years perhaps, but ill see you at the end if you want me to. i know i have what it takes. im wondering if you do. ill see when the autumn leaves have sprawled and being blown away. i cant promise you paris, but ive already booked heaven for you. i dont want to feel this way forever. but that letter, marks, "return to sender". it was hilarious and funny to see you try to eat, drink, smoke and paint your nails. but id love to see it over again. and dear, like ive said, im not losing sleep. sleep is losing me. does playing bridge help in bridging distances..????
and when you told me you dont want to hurt me, does that mean you'd want to love me???

Sunday, January 6, 2002 05:21 a.m.

*day4:: dont want to feel this way forever*
got a msg on my hp from the land of the old bridges and castles. destination has been reached. but im still waiting for what you hafta say. im off for work in like 10minutes time. and im still in my room, barely awake. todae is gonna be a long day. first installment of "the great lion city takeover" gigs done by the rockstar collective later on. gotta rush and do things. meaning going back to that nasty/wonderful place called bras basah to get the banner. then goin to novena to set up the studio. hopefully all goes well. i hope by doing all these i could for once take my mind of you and concentrate of things that are not related to you. it might seem like a longshot, but ill take it. today's lineup will be plainsunset, unvisual and united by fate.

there is an intruder inside. but she does it so deftly, i swear if she ever takes off her mask i would just let her kill me. oh my. and she did.

Saturday, January 5, 2002 05:26 a.m.

*day3:: central standard time*
oh my. i was so wrong. i saw you face wherever i looked. worse still, i was in front of THE shop. it was closed. but it felt open inside. all the mugs and clay lying inside. and the fact that i passed by the bookshops. i hope your okay todae. i think ive been fooling myself far to long now. the moon is up, all i cld see is your shadow.

and as for you, you follow your heart's content. just be strong, and i will always be beside you. stop crying. ive stopped already.. . . see you on saturday.

please dont leave me hanging like this. tell me what's on your mind. so i cld get my peace. soybombs noticed that i was losing weight. i dont know if i am , but now that he's mentioned it, i havent really been eating well the past few days. dont even talk abt getting enough sleep. and now you keep the suspense on top of me. i feel like a fish waiting for the bait. so you cld take me out of the water and suffocate me with air. i hope i made you cry. i seriously do, cos if i didnt, then why the hell did i cry in the first place. look at the moon tonight. i see you.

Friday, January 4, 2002 03:27 a.m.

*day2:: the ghost will not go away*
today i face the hurt of going to one of the places i've told myself i will never be in for quite some time. i just wish your memories do not pop out everywhere i look.. especially at the places we've been to together. meeting razi later to the rockstar collective banner at bras basah. ive already put up the pics of the holidays. i hope you like them. i wonder how long it will take me to wake up from the dream. or how long will i be in it. its nice to be inside the fantasay, but its never been easy to realise that im now all alone inside. just some flashes of your pretty face. of how everything seemed so perfect yet it is not. that the sad part is no matter how hard we try, there has to be some sorta flaw to it. i guess my wish for a broken heart and a happy new year came to a reality. i know you told me not to watch "the others" cause you didnt like it, but i may have to watch it later on. i dont know. but a movie there will be nice. but its damn expensive. i hope your in a safe haven. now at work. will write more later.

Thursday, January 3, 2002 10:17 a.m.

*beneath the umbrella lies a heart*
the places/events/people that mattered during last year. its about time i get this outta my system.
- Insomnia - The get rich quick gig
- Youthpark :: This Fine Day, Calliope, Musicweed fest
- Sub C NUS and Instinct at Sentosa
- Instinc @Sentosa... thank you for coming back.
- Starbucks (building beside forum, and the one at Liat) - Borders. sigh.
- Xmas at Sentosa with you by my side.
- Thompson Rd, New Years Eve. with you by myside
- Clayworks @ Bras Basah. with you by my side
- beneath your small black umbrella. duh.
- inside bus 605
- Inside bus 163
- jalan kayu.
- at your balcony
- at your room
- plainsunset's "find a way"
- marchtwelve recording sessions at Snakeweed
- wan and dewi giving me a hug while i was crying my heart out. thanks
- mojo jojo
- ms lala
- your funky hair.
- sham wan dewi and amran. i love you guys
- your hugs
- and you. i love you.

maybe it has to end this way. heart breaks at the beginning of the year, ends with me being the one crying. come to think of it, it was a nice december. to have you around. but now you're gone. sinatra's singing summer wind and something stupid.
you dont know how much i miss you.

Wednesday, January 2, 2002 03:18 p.m.

*day 1:: the day you left and leave me behind*
it was hard trying to figure out why our path's have to meet. but im glad it occured. i would have been the number loser around,if not for the fact that i've been blessed that you graced my existence with your presence and warmth. the dream felt so real i woke up my eyes with tears. and after your voice trailed off the line later on the floodgates opened. 4pm seemed like a really good time for movies. i'll never forget you for the fact that i never forget anybody whom i've loved alot. have never been one who fancies writing mushy stuff, but i've got no other alternatives. all of the past entries in my humble abode has been based on you, since the night we met. never been one who believed in fate and destiny,... but somehow.. somehow.. YOU are the fate and destiny. i'll never forget the moments with you. so little time, so many things to share. im glad i shared the last remaining bits of love left in my heart with you. i'll always love you. so you take care. i'll always miss you.

thoughts of you will always arise from now on whenever i watch a movie. cos thats something we've always planned for, but has never been able to pull it off. london seems like a nice place to watch a movie. then there's after the movies...

happy new year darlink. and same goes to everyone who cared and mattered.

this could have been a start of something special.
much love. mojo jo jo is still on my hand

Wednesday, January 2, 2002 01:00 a.m.

layout by numbness