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*lament of the pretty baby.* whew.. jus came back from jamming wif drugplantpatient(DPP). sheesh. we are getting out of hand!! watch us. this is getting hard n challenging... the way we wanted it to turn out from the start. we are honestly getting to noe each others moves and all. i love this band. sorry numbness if i cldnt meet u the past few days. we will see each other on fri. i bet we will. trade stories of what transpired during the past few days we were 'away' from each other. hah. tell u how me n sham got thereaction drunk. heh. it never was meant to be this way. but u looked at the other direction and just started to drift off. you left me on my back, waiting for the stars to fall. didnt u hear me cry out ur name? i saw u wave. Friday, June 1, 2001 01:18 a.m. *my PS in NZ* well... starting to miss the guys already.. hope u guys have fun over at NZ. dont worry sham.. u guys wont fight there.. unless over beer.hah. do us proud guys. hopefully we will enjoy here as well. anyway numbness, thereaction, unfall, supergroover, derby, and the rest are still here. looking forward for coffee tomorrow wif the guys b4 jam. hopefully strawberry baby comes along. hah. and natasha,.. ur still my baby ok? its getting cold all over again...... Thursday, May 31, 2001 01:18 a.m. *hey ho, lets go* happy bdae short wan. hah. lets watch an RA one of these days. hah. anyway, se sure rocked treffpunkt yesterday... jug after bloody jugs.. hah. and to actually see you drunk for the first time,.. was an honour. really. it was. i noe ur out wif ur baby todae, so have fun. and natasah, whatever i said yesterday that might have hurt you or pissed u off,.. well,.. u noe bloody well baby that i dont mean it. i still ove ur stupid 'let-me-check-my-breast' antics. heh. never seems to grow old no matter how much u do it.hah. anu,.. whatever it is,. u noe we all here to catch u when u fall. thanks for the drinks. lizvixen,...hhmm.. u are very 'jahanam' yesterday. how u tell wan ur take care of him when he gets drunk (which u did, and i thank you for that)... then ask him to finish glass after glass of beer. haha. what a naughty little devil. haha. sham, good luck on your trip. thanks for being wif us yesterday. hah. really appreciated it. how u wanted to stay wif us even though u were already late for ur meeting. hah. love u bro. take care in NZ. ur gonna be like our representative, not only for local scenewise, but also the representativ for the beer-brothers association. hah. take care of ur guys over there. will miss u losers. really. and as for now im gonna here the saddest songs, and sit alone and wonder, how your making out. Wednesday, May 30, 2001 12:49 p.m. *WHAT NOW?!?!?!?* i dont see the purpose in trying to please everyone i noe. it just doesnt do justice to myself. cos thats what ive been fucking doin my whole life. please pple so that i may have a chance to be one of the pple in their lives that mattered. some pple cant take jokes and im not liable to be the one will always back off. i think, if we cant be honest to each other, let's at least be honest to ourselves. i say what i say not cos i feel i have to, its because i WANT to. so im sorry if i dont fit in ur ideal world cos as of now im not even trying to. so sorry. for being myself. goddamnit.. Tuesday, May 29, 2001 02:45 a.m. *NO* shit. i need 200 minimum aggregrate to pass... and i only have 197 !!!!!! shit!. hope i can talk to my lecturer to give me the extra 3 marks... shit!.. im not gonan repeat 6mths jus to get 3 fucking marks.. fuck. im doomed. no wait. i think all i hafta do is sweet talk my lecturer... ok. no one calls no one writes no one looks no one cares no on smiles no one moves this is only fun for me. Tuesday, May 29, 2001 01:27 a.m. *sunday* im quite happy abt how i spent my weekends this week. instead of the normal boring sit on kopishops/hop-kopishop, we actually had plans from last thursday onwards. thurs chalet at changi. fri milk bar, then went to wine bar at zouk. sat was drum n bwass party at the river house. man... babes galore... see,.. but cant touch. only thing that is legal to do to do is to fucking mindrape them. hehe. oh well. and then sunday, went to dewi's graduation/exhibition at the S'pore Expo. her stuff are all very neat. then went to sleven to chill for a while. then amran took us ard (he was driving).. .we went to have coffee at swensen,.. took a drive to marina.. sat by the beach.. hehe. talking abt sex and all. imagine four grown up guys sitting beside the beach at like 0230am talking loudly abt SEX.... hehe. the couple's sitting close to us took of in haste after hearing us. hahah. oh what a nite. djo, i guess we gotta stop trying hard.. like u said.. we must make these things work for us,.. not us trying to accomodate to them. if its bad,.. it can only get better. take care bro Monday, May 28, 2001 01:38 p.m. *nomad* went to the drum n bwass event at the old funky town. oh well. had fun. till i saw sum pple not meant mentioning. i noe im like hating everyone whom i.. nah. fuck it. doesnt matter anyway. i guess its jus heaven's bidding to mankind that i should be alone. for all enternity. well.. cant blame the big guys up there. kinda deserve this. oh well. Sunday, May 27, 2001 05:23 a.m. *whims* sometimes i dont feel the need to explain my actions. cos u wont bother. there are sumthings i do that might make or break ur days.. but thats the way i am. i have more stones to carry. some of which im carrying for other pple. so pls, be lenient with your remarks. there are sumthings that i just wont explain nowadays. cos its too much for me to relieve the past forgive me if i dont fit in the shoes of people whom u look up too. Saturday, May 26, 2001 03:32 p.m. *the wait is over... im moving on.* YES!!!!! i fucking hell passed all my paper!!.. and to top that i got 2 B's (out of 5. heh. good enuff). now all im waiting for is the aggregate. to see if ive garnered enough points to pull me thru my tertiary days. oh god. im so excited. hopefully ive made >200 aggregate points. you're so sweet and cute. i miss your smile. look at me in a different way. its easy to say its not abt the looks, cos it is. i love my ugliness. love me. Saturday, May 26, 2001 05:12 a.m. *never say my name the same way twice..* ooh. life. in its brightest moments. sigh. had fun. real, good , clean fun..(now.. is wasnt there a hardcore band by the name 'good clean fun'??..). went to meet the 'emotionally-unstable' pple.. namely allison, adelyne(sheesh.. what a name), thereaction, and the ever so sexay lizvixen. had coffee at coffee bean(duh). then when thereaction hafta go to werk, me and the rest decided to visit mike at his house. not actually a visit.. well.. u see, they ORDERED allisopn to cook for them punks. heh. then went for my jammin (which was quite fruitful) wif DPP. met sham at city hall, took a train to go to changi for a friend's chalet(and a bit of ghost hunting)... thanks for talking to me abt our little 'secret' sham. thanks. hopefully no one else noe's abt this no matter what happen. i will still think over what actions ill do for the next few weeks... thanks for being there. heh. it was quite boring at first... so we decided to take our 'walks' hehe. actually went INSIDE the old changi hospital MORTUARY. we went in a total of 3 times!!!... the 2nd time i didnt go in cos me, yam n rina were alread at the main road... so sham, anjas, bob and nizam went in... and the yall came out running and screaming after 2 minutes!!!... after further investigations they told us they heard voices... so this time.. all of us went in again.. but to no avail. sigh. went back to the chalet and tried to sleep... but bob and adik kept calling each other names.... hahah. very much like 2 kids in primary school.haha. one was gemok and the other was babi.haha. had so much fun.. then unfall came by for awhile. but he hafta leave cos he needed sleep. he has a BIG day ahead tomorrow. gd luck bro. i miss my oldself. the one who cared abt everyone around him. the one who was much more stronger. the me who wasnt me now. sigh Friday, May 25, 2001 01:33 p.m. *This FINE DAY pics* yesh!!... the pics are up. once again i wld like to thanks the pple who help us make this event possible. good one guys. im dying here at home. i need help. i need you. i need me to be honest again. i need to jus.. fade away. i love you. Wednesday, May 23, 2001 01:39 a.m. *vrooom!...vroooom!!!* man. i need to get me wheels. need transport. need nessecity. fuck. chix diggit if u got wheels. maybe i might get my fair share of the opposite sex if i got wheels. i noe i can drive. i noe my mom has a space waggon. i oso noe im fucking lazy when it comes to going down to BBDC and get my liscence. fuck!!... aarrgghh. if from now till 2 mths after i start werk and i still dont get a teddy bear... i will definitely force myself to get them stoopid liscence. fuck. fuck. fuck. Tuesday, May 22, 2001 03:15 a.m. *welcome...small one(Wan)* hey hey hey. we've got one more new friend in the pitas circle.. namely bogspeed. my teeth.. well, the place where that stoopid dentist took out my teeth... aches like hell!!!... it still bleeds.. everynow and then.. even tough its been like 4 days already since i took it out. aarrgghh!!!!... used to be emotional pain... now physical pain!!... hahah. i think im preordained to suffer from pain. Monday, May 21, 2001 01:34 p.m. *swing my heart* i noe you are still awake. i noe i have your number. i noe it wont be a big hoohah if i called you. i also noe i aint got the balls to pick up my phone and dial you number. insecurity on my part. yes. alot of it. i dont noe how u look (if u have) at me. one thing sure. both u and i dont look at each other the same way. we are two different worlds. even though we are somehow connected thru music. but that sucks.. cos music will not get me anywhere. it only brings me to places i cldnt even think of being there.,..though not physically... but it doesnt matter. what am i. thats the question i wld like to pose on you. what am i? answer?... just a nobody who happen to passed by your life and you werent bothered by my presence at all. this is a good example of what i tried to say in my last few entry. i fall for effigy's to easily. and.. buh humbag. ive enuff of this. sigh. its all wrong. the way i envisioned my personal life to be. its all erroeous. ah fuck. but its better this way. sigh Monday, May 21, 2001 02:15 a.m. *love of a lifetime* sheesh. i noe. the cheesiness of the title. sheesh. anyway..sigh. that shld sum it all up. sumtimes we tend to overlook a lot of things. and when we think that things wld not happen, cos it has not happen in your entire course of life,..it suddenly hits you in the face the next day, and make you feel how stupid you have been for missing out THAT certain situation. sigh. i noe unfall noes what im talking abt now. sigh. no worries bro. its just a charade for me. and i urge you to be happy. to have fun. and u noe what i mean when i say 'have fun'. u shld. we will talk abt this on tuesday nite. oh yes we will. by the way, 'this fine day' part deux is now possible. and shld be quite soon too. we just hafta sell our souls to the devil-corporates. we'll see. i fell in love. and her name is rainer maria. thanks raspberry. Sunday, May 20, 2001 03:12 p.m. *ESP GUITARS* i saw this while surfing. this is the guitar u want!! the SG can suck my ass!! ESP guitar. this is the ESP VIPER its sale value including the case is US$649++. so,.. anyone willing to buy this for me?? heh. ill be ur slave till the end of the year if u do. Friday, May 18, 2001 04:37 p.m. *toothfairy, where art thou?* ok. jus had my tooth taken out. im bleeding alot. cos the damn dentist mutilated my gums jus to take out the damn teeth. im watching 'the weakerthans' live gig at toronto the exclaim birthday bash' gig. their playing the song 'diagnosis'. awesome band. bassist from propagandhi is now the lead vox and guitar ( forgive me if im wrong at this ). weezer new album out yesterday,.. so is tool's new one. but no dough (anyone wanna sponsor me?). so what am i listening to now?.. well, i have rainer maria in my discman. my god. the pain is killing me. aarrgghh!!.. why?.. i should have taken care of my teeth. fuck!. bloody ice cream not helping at all. weakerthans belting out the song 'aside' awesome as hell man. dont be suprised if marchtwelve does get a bit like em. cant blame me. hafta start using slide and capo's for my guitar parts. haha. i hope ur at home and well. i miss you. i now i shouldnt, cos there are no reasons for this. but its sumthing i have to. i may not be him, but i am me. Thursday, May 17, 2001 08:59 p.m. *shock* yesterday was a g good day.. well .., almost actually. went to see kitsch bitch jam(did i got it right??). pretty good stuff they do. met natasha at the studio together wif her punk friends. reaction was there. then we followed reaction to borders,... cos raspberry hafta get her spectacles from the border's office. had the worst vegetable sandwich over at cafe borders.. hah. anu was commenting abt how she doesnt like vegetables, only certainc types. hah. i love veggies. but the ones they placed on the sandwich were completely of alien nature to me. have not seen those leafy shit in my entire life. the only one i can vaguely recognise was capsicorn. sigh. anu left to go meet the love of her life.., while me and raspberry went to meet liza at taka. so thats when u appeared. wif your best friend. the pple whom now have a bad impression of me. u were looking down all the way.. and was laughing. dunnoe due to what. is that how we say hi nowadays to each other??.. i havent seen you in ages.. i just wish ur hands where over my heart to feel it beating out of my chest. i was so nevous when i saw u walking towards my direction that i almost choked on my ciggie. well i guess thats always been you. no matter what u were always the one who can make my day into a disaster. even when we were.. nah. doesnt make any difference at all. seems like im always living in the past. not that im not making an effort to come out to the open.. just that i have certain tendencies of getting to hung up on past memories, they start to haunt me. at almost everyturn i make in my life nowadays, never once has the past didnt get in the way. well i guess im a romantic. romance always lead to tragedy. how ironic. thats me. ironic. fall in to fast, fall down to fast, get up real slow, wound heal at a very sluggish pace. so who wants to take me on? Thursday, May 17, 2001 03:20 p.m. *Efforts paid* finally. all the old pics are up. thank god for my perseverance. hah!. so enjoy guys. dun forget to leave comments abt the pics. haha. im drained. nite love. Wednesday, May 16, 2001 12:55 a.m. *updates* whatever things u see here that is new.. its all done by me!!! hahahahah. eat your heart out. new things on the way. wait and fondle urselves first while waiting. hah. Tuesday, May 15, 2001 05:10 p.m. *realisation* ive figured out whats wrong wif me. i get all sad, nervous, jealous, angry abt things when it concerns a girl... even though she doesnt even noe i have sumthing for her!!!.. so .. can sumone pls tell me whats the cure for this?? i urgently need help. i noticed that my mood swings are at its greatest when i like sumbody. lets just hope i can figure out how to solve this problem of mine. sigh. this is dissappointing. sigh. your hair is everywhere, screaming infidelitites.. and taking its wear. Tuesday, May 15, 2001 04:32 p.m. *u didnt really leave us at all...* today we spent the last day of christian's stay here in singapore. he came to our lives last year. helped out return to fall in the vox department. sad to say he has to leave us tomorrow. we will miss you tremendously chris. i still remember the first time we met you at punk planet (galleria). and the first question i ever ask you was 'have you seen meshuggah play??' after knowing your from sweden. haha. you were mighty fit and much more skinnier that time. after all the nice food and tiger beer... you look..well nuff said. hehe. u'll always be inside us wherever you go. thanks for all the memories. good luck at malaysia. its hotter there. and more.. lets just say stale. heh. and i will definitely miss anna too. in my sordid opinion the both of you still make the best 'ang-moh' couple ever. hehe. so cheers mate. WHAT TIME ISSIT!!!?!?!??! ITS TIGER TIME!!! i have a huge pimple on my forhead. it ugly. and its brought by ugly situations. i dont get pimples easily just to let you guys know. only when im ... head over heels over someone. but its to soon. and i noe this will lead to nowhere again but pure heartaches and disappoinment. i think you made a mistake dewi. its not wan who cant help himself when its comes to this kind of things. its me Tuesday, May 15, 2001 12:48 a.m. *its over, im not giving in, again.* man. it was a mutha fucking blast. the gig i mean. all the effort we put in to our 'baby' finally paid off. a big 'hurrah' to all the bands who played. wifout you guys, we cldnt even have done this gig. thank you all from the bottom of my heart. and to return to fall, you guys were such an inspiration. wifout u guys, we dont noe where we are now, or what we are all about. to unfall, derby, supergroover, beatnik, and conan the destroya... thanks. and ill miss you conan(christian). hope u do fine in penang. we will miss you. and u didnt really leave us at all. u made an impact in our lives even though we've known you for like just more than half a year. yeah big guy, ill miss you. and to my march12,.. i thank you guys for the performance you all gave. u guys are like brothers... and a sis,... to me. i love you guys. we kicked ass and everyone knows we did it good. i hope we can be as tight-ass as we were at the gig till the day we decided to call it quits. and hopefully that day doesnt come. we have a gig in a few mths time (unconfirmed place).. so lets give it our best. and to the crew,.. thanks for all the support you guys gave us. and thanks for not laughin at us. hehe. to pumpkineyes,.. thanks for coming down. id love to see those photos you took of the gig. i really do. to djo,razi and the guys.. thnks for the help. u guys kicked ass !! watchout for izar's diary and 59 minutes. so this is how it went abt during our set. i was very glad after the first song. basically i was really goin thru a rollercoaster ride during the set. i almost cried for brainwashed,.. thats a brilliant song dah. hehe. after we revamped it , it seemed to have taken a life on its own. and when the last song came abt,,.."out of pockets" we'll... i almost lost it in the beggining. i cldnt even start the song. i was thinking abt my life. i suddenly have flashbacks of what when on in my pathetic life for the past few mths. how my close friends suffered even right from the beggining of the year. how good pple got into shit. how... how fucking blind i was. i admit it now. i was swimming endlessly in murky waters,.. and when i surfaced i was hit right on the back of my head and sanked all the way to the bottom. it took me half a minute to actually start the song. but after a good sigh,.. the travel begins. cos the song out of pockets is actually written abt a close friend,.. who suffered tremendously ,.. and how we said we will be here when he falls. come to think of it,.. the song actually means a whole lot more than that. its actually a song for the close pple we have and it implies how we will support and give a shoulder to cry on to each other when times are bad. how ironic that we played it.. yet.. i felt i went down alone. true,.. advices came from left and right. but all of them were shunned by my feelings. it was an emotional song.. too emotional for me. so i knelt down on the later part of the song. and that was it. tears came out,.. but i pulled it off wifout anyone knowing it. maybe im destined to suffer alone. maybe. i fall in easily. and the getting up part only takes place when i see a silver lining ahead. but it always happens that that silver lining... ofetn causes my next pitfall. maybe its just me. how i wish i wasnt me at all. some pple just have all the luck and good fortune. i dont. the only thing im happy abt is that i have friends like you guys. and not forgetting my other band mates from DPP. esp farhan. he gave me so much chance and he helped me stand up. i owe u for life bro. thanks for all the advices you have given me. even though i dont spend so much time wif you nowadays.. i always think abt the physical pain your goin thru and pray that you'll get by this. and now.. i feel that the silver lining is within distance. now im scared. will i fall again? this fine day sure was a fine day. Sunday, May 13, 2001 04:21 a.m. *bitter reality* this is the thing that uve been protected from by us. your friends. now it all came to you in one shot and u burst. well, face it. we are not really well understood and loved by pple. hence u hafta fight fire wif fire. its been like that since the beggining.we dont get no respect, so live wif it. but we are here to protect you, not for u to be fooder for your fire. i dont like this. but what the hell. i didnt start it. but references have to be made. so fuck it. im not out to win a popularity contest. never has been my intention. im not gonna tell you what to do so dont tell either. i think we are both mature enough to handle the truth. and just cause you have things that irritate you doesnt mean u can bring it out on me. i dont deserve this ok. so cheer up. lets enjoy.cos bad times are really upon us after whats happening to all our dear friends.. and i dont want us to be the next. we will survive this year. we will. all we hafta do is to watch each others back like never before. peace out and lets have a blast later. i love you guys. Saturday, May 12, 2001 08:46 a.m. *this fine day* so this is on. the painful realisation that i hafta bring it all out later. heh. the day we've been waiting for. the day we've worked hard for. thanks to everyone who helped to make this happen. thanks to the many bands who put up wif our nonsense. i love you guys. went to jam wif DPP at liquid_fire studio. was good. but my beloved guitarist was having mums. so was 4piece todae but we pulled off a new song. hehe. the timing all kecoh man. i was like counting the off beat time signature of the song so i can keep up. hehe. expect sumthing new from DPP. u look cute. as always. my heart flatters. heh. good luck for the gig tomorrow. dont be so nervous. i hope u put up a good show. im so drained. too tired. need sleep. hehe.sleep now. Saturday, May 12, 2001 01:31 a.m. *smiling wolverine* this is for you. ur the topic now. so listen to what i hafta say. i noe u'll get to see this, considering the fact you and your pple always come here to get details for your juiciest gossips. so listen well. tell me one thing i've ever done to hurt you. none?.. cos i havent. so dont get me started. fuck you. when ur down, i was there. to comfort you. did i gossip abt that?.. no. when u got caught for checks and everything,.. and u came to the studio. i was there. to comfort you. thats all i did. when you were hungry and u aint got no dough,.. i was there to buy you ur meal. without asking back for the money. i always have fun when you're around. but now,.. why all the bickering?... that im all emo and that im an emo-wanker and all?.. when u fuckers were down for the count,.. broken-hearted and all.. wasnt i there to listen to your bollocks?.. wasnt i? when u all think ur world where devastated..wasnt i there to give u all comfort and reassurancE??.. did i ever call you pple emo wankers and all?? did i?.. i bet you pple dont even remember. right. cos then again.. who am i? the difference between me and you and your pple??? i dont bother pple... even close friends of mine wif my problems cos it makes the whole grp depressed. i learnt that the hard way. so come on. im sick of this bickering. just bring it on straight to my face. i dare you. cos it doesnt matter anymore. so at least give me enough respect. cos i respected yor sorry ass. at leats i noe this; i've stop lying to myself. and its a good feeling to be honest to yourself. Thursday, May 10, 2001 12:51 p.m. *joseph* The name of Joseph gives you the desire to meet and mix socially and to create congenial circumstances for everyone. However, all too often, you express yourself in a matter-of-fact or awkward way that results in your good intentions being misunderstood. If you are in sales work, you could do well because of your friendly personality, interest in people, and desire to please. You prefer situations that allow a degree of independence, but are not too demanding in work-load or responsibility. When asked, you are able to give others good advice that you would probably not follow yourself, but must guard against being too opinionated in controversial matters. While you can appear to be confident, you need the moral support and encouragement of others who give inspiration and strength. Weaknesses in health show in the senses of the head as well as in the various fluid functions of the body. so sue me Wednesday, May 9, 2001 12:06 a.m. *blue* im sorry. i dont noe why im always like this. figure me out. im sorry again. you noe who you are. Wednesday, May 9, 2001 12:03 a.m. *anger* im sorry to all the pple who got affected wif my anger today. but try to understand that i actually made effort of getting up early to settle the final issues abt the gig this sat. and waiting for two hours for pple was not part of my itenerary today. imagine you being in my place. 10fucking30am at the alley waiting for pple. but pls... u all shld try to priorities stuff. yes i noe you all got personal issues to resolve,. but dun lie to me. what the fuck do you i am?.. a rag for you all to step upon???.. i took the initiative today... coz i dont want what transpired at the insomnia gig to occur again. cos that shit scarred me a lot. really. already pple dun take me seriuosly. like im some kid seeking attention. but for fuck's sake... i got feelings to. i do. and i have my personal issues to resolve yet i put all of them away aside. just so everything ran smoothly for you. i just hope that when shit happens im not the one who gets blamed again. i was already in tears during the insmonia thingy. i was. and yet you pple can laugh and all. and then there's a bozo there who can say 'im not involve in this' when in fact he was. and when things are on the good side... their the first ones to claim that is was their work. fuck em all. im bitter.. yes. i have every right to be so. i can forgive.. but never forget. so what if im an emo wanker?.. at least i admit and dont deny the true me. and yes.. when its time to get up.. i will. but for now i like it here. where everyone can just ignore the fuck off me. Tuesday, May 8, 2001 11:55 p.m. *injustice system* ... went to the court todae... man. the atmosphere is really... tense.. i really wish you get out of this bro. i really do. ive been praying long and hard. ill be there tomorrow to see you triumph. bloody liars... the thought that these kinda pple exist.. shit. why wld sumthing like this happen to a kind hearted person like you???.. why not to ME?????!!!!!???... i wish i was at your place. i aint got nothing to lose now.. coz ive lost it all a long time ago. nobody will miss me if i was in your place. i bet noone wld even come to see be get burned and thrown out to the ocean. but the reality is... there is nothing i can do. Tuesday, May 8, 2001 11:51 p.m. *brooding's over.* maybe you didnt noe that every action has a counter action. or just dat u did,.. and it didnt mattered to you anymore. i was played a fool. now i hope i learned from this. and yes. i will get up. back from where i was b4 u brought me down. Tuesday, May 8, 2001 12:51 a.m. *grand finale* i dont noe how to begin. i really dont noe.. but ill try. boy like girl. boy confess to girl. girl's friend talks to boy. boy confess to girl's friend. girl's friend listens. gives advice. boy happy. boy never been happier. boy happy. then trainwreck. boy finds out girl and girl's friend likes each other. boy to sad to say anything more. end of fucking story. moral of story?.. boy should never EVER love again. boy shouldn't be such a nice guy. it doesnt help being too nice... boy thinks. now boy cry. so watch me. Tuesday, May 8, 2001 12:40 a.m. *prayers for him* im very sad to see my friends devastated abt the problems revolving around us.. i mean.. this kind of things SHOULDN"T happen to pple like him. who is so kind-hearted and joyful person. its just never fair for everyone. but the main thing thats eating us up right now is that.. we bloody hell noe there aint a damn thing we can do to help him get out of this predicament. i love him as a friend. he is like a very much older bro to me. all i can do is to pray for him. to pray that justice will be fair and just. this is not a laughing matter. tomorrow will be the most diffuculy day for all of us. i hope i can be there for him. i wish i can. but i cant. and for that im sorry. pple like him doesnt deserve this. its people like me who deserves to be in his place. and im so sad there's nothing i can do... im sorry Monday, May 7, 2001 10:55 p.m. *lead me on girl if you must..* well hello princess. hope your doing fine... wif ur studies and all. hope u do urself proud wif ur upcoming exams. mine are over. so im jus gonna bum ard till i start work. new phase in life. hopefully i end up earning more than these dumbfucks. its good to be alive. numbness: hope ur physical pain has ended. we need u in your finest on may12th. love u and derby. thereaction: dont worry.. she'll be fine. i noe u miss her and all. but jus a few more days and it'll be over. u better update ur pitas man. and put up a guestbook. ull be suprised abt the things pple will put up on it. haha!. unfall: i hope we can do something abt this situation wif the antu. but try as hard as we can.. we're jus a bunch of youth wif no antecedents in life as of yet. if i can buy his way out i wld. im praying for his safety and all. i just hope we can stand up if he falls. derby: we share the same thoughts now. thanks for letting me understand 'priorities' and lastly to you beatnik. we are who we are. and your one of teh few persons i noe who can greatly stand up on his own. any uneventful and saddening shit on my part during the last few weeks...im sorry. we will be on our best on sat. so see yah later moogem. Sunday, May 6, 2001 03:33 p.m. *whatever* so im jamming wif march12 later. so whats new. fuck. got so pissed off just now.. as u can see from the entry below. somehow i just dont understand the pple who used to be ard me last time. true how they can just help you plant the seeds... then while ur bending down picking out the weeds.. the hit you in the back with a shovel. well. fuck you. thats all i can say. cos i sick and tired of this shit. i didnt tell you guys to 'hey man.. its ok. everyone goes thru shit sumtime.. so dun brood over it."... did i?.. i actually took time to listen to you pathetic whinings and give u a pat on the shoulder and stuff like that. so now im in that very same position u guys where in.. and you give me this shit?? and the balls to call me an emo wanker? pls.. when u meet me in the streets.. tell that to me directly in my face. i dare you. to see whether u have the balls to do it. it wld have been a much more better life for me if i hadnt meet u dumbfucks. try being in my shoes for once. i just cant comprehend how i tolerated your shit in the past. maybe cos i really treated you pple as friends. maybe. whatever. Sunday, May 6, 2001 03:28 p.m. *emo wanker aye?* well. its not as if u havent been here where i am now. fuck u and ur ideologies. u stoopid shit. this is my diary and i fucking bloody hell can write watever i want. i didnt ask u in here. you and your fucking 'im-so-cool-but-i-deny-im-cool-so-that-will-make-me-more-cool' attitude. ur life is equally as pathetic as mine. so dont deny it. jus remember how pathetic u were when ur girlfriend left you. how u whined so much.. not only to me.. but to other pple. difference between u and me?... im man enough to admit shit. unlike you. always hiding behind a facade. so fuck off. i dont even think of you while im shitting. stoopid dumbfuck. Sunday, May 6, 2001 03:17 p.m. *taking my kisses back from you* oh well. had my 'operating theatre' paper jus now. was a blast. this one confirm subpaper.hehe/ will be having my last paper later on. 1630hrs.heh. ill be off for the gig meeting todae. just cancelled my appointment. anyway meet eve todae. she's nice.. though very soft. when she speaks i mean. .. hhm. oh yah. HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVE!!!!!!.. dont noe what to get u. might not get u anything. coz i fucking broke. if u ever stumble by this pathetic diary of mine pls sign the guestbook aight?, hehe. anyway.. heard shorty was doin her arts jus now. well well well. effort my dear. 2 more weeks of sufferring and your off to a new stage in your life. tertiary life. hehe. and i hope we can go out in 2 weeks time. doesnt matter where.. or what we do. i jus wanna go out wif yah. do urself proud and do well in your papers princess. i wish u all the luck u need... just waiting to end this anguish called 'studying'... and i miss yah. a lot so u freaked out now???.. went for return to fall's jamming todae.. at snakeweed studio. awesome lah u guys. i feel very jealous. but u guys deserve all u have now. just wish u guys go really far in ur musical endeavours. but be carefull. marchtwelve is hot in your trail. and u will noe us by the trail of the dead. hehe. love u guys. and thanks to reaction for making me laugh jus now. hey boy... dun forget 'rasa sentosa' ok?.. that will be my ticket to paradise. and no one will burn my ticket. no one. signing off from the land of broken hearts. Friday, May 4, 2001 12:47 a.m. *the most beautiful things* you say the most beautiful things an endless list of treasure of trimmings it takes all my faith just to start i don't care now how much i'm wrong my song it shames your ears every sentence a failure slant rhyme is all i can give half thruth is all i'll get show us all what grace can mean all of what i might be close your eyes call it escape we'll run away from everything lie to me love me we'll run away from everything Thursday, May 3, 2001 12:33 a.m. *welcome eve* well. eve should be arriving in 15 mins time.. if her flight is correct. im like so excited to met her... but that will only happen tomolo.. can meet the guys and her after my papers.. which is like after 0230pm. oh well. but nothing is more exciting than the thought that the chance of me going out wif you...,might happen in two weeks time. could you say anticipating?. heh. i noe this is nothing.. to you. but its a lot to me. really. i noe we've been couple of times b4... but we usually have compnay ard... hence i cant direct my time and attention to you... and you also.. u and ur bowing of ur head as if ur hiding that pretty face of yours. aaww. mmm..if u only knew how i interpret your silly face. you./ hehe. anyway will be having my 2nd paper tomolo at 1230pm. so wish me luck princess. and i wish you too for your english paper. do me proud. i miss yah. hey numbness... hows the essays goin?.. two more is chicken shit. i tell you. hehe. we'll see each other toms ok?... thereaction .. hhmm.. call me tomorrow. we will trade storeys and all wif eve toms. jus remember to give me a ring. thank you beatnik and unfall for picking up eve. i really wanna be the one to pick her up but i have priorities. thank you pple for understanding that. goodnite dear. Wednesday, May 2, 2001 11:41 p.m. *everybody hurts* im sick of this. everyone i noe is getting trampled on by pple,... or even memories.. when are our sufferings gonna end?... fuck mine. my pain is self-inflicted.. and ive finnaly realised that. we dont deserve this. we just wanted to be loved, cared for,.. and respected. so fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. if u pple think we didnt work hard for where we are now.. fuck you. do you know how does it feel... to have pple like you dumbfucks smiling and shaking our fucking hands when u met us,.. then diss the hell outta us the next?.. u shld try it. a few of these treatments are good... they make you stronger. but not when its like a daily thing. so fuck you. and to abang Z,... and everyone else who was getting drunk wif me that nite.. im sorry. im sorry i left wifout telling goodbye. u pple mus understand. im so used to being treated in a way that even though im around.. i feel like im not. so im sorry. especially to u zahid. i noe u may not have the chance at all to ever read this.. but im sorry. . . . Tuesday, May 1, 2001 11:42 p.m. *flashbacks* hey hey beatnik.. how i wish i was there when u were crying. i really do. im sorry if u ended up alone.. but we did have fun, didnt we??.. its been a long time since ive last seen us smiling ang lauging our balls out..i myself was suprised.. i didnt noe i was still capable of being hilarious and happy after all that has happened to us/. but then again.. we are only human. but how i really wish pple treat us as one. at least a bit. i wish your alright. the next big bottle of beast celebration will be on me. i promise. we had fun dancing wif the two russian 'beasts' last nite. we did. i did. i think marchtwelve and rtf should come out wif their 'drinking song' (ala texas). heh. the jimmy eat world/jebediah split cd is AWESOME!!. the 1st track by JEW is entitled " the most beautiful things"... and while i was listening to it last nite while having our drinking binge.. i was pratically .. in tears. the 1st line goes ..' you say the most beautiful things..' ... and that was all. i suddenly had flashbacks of.. her. the original strawberries.. lets jus call her M. the sudden urge of emotions was jus to much.. i really missed her. looking back to it.. i felt she was the one who cld have gone all the way to the altar wif me. she was everything. it didnt matter at that point of time that im getting shit from pple left and right.. but the thought of meeting her at 0900pm was always uplifting.. and then there were our long bus rides to her place.. the kisses on the forehead... the straberries.. and study sessions at her room.. the sneaking in to her place.. ... and the stares ... stares that makes a grown man shiver wif anticipation.. man.. i jus wish .. nah. forget it. im just a loser. but i miss yah. Tuesday, May 1, 2001 02:50 p.m. *sad song* hey beatnik,... didnt really noe which song made u sad.. im sorry if it did. but im kinda happy u accompanied me that day.. u and reaction. im jus happy ur there. u didnt noe what was goin thru my mind that day.. maybe im just a fool. maybe im just to blind. i think the hardest part now is to admit my mistakes to you.. and ask for your forgiveness. for everything that lead up to where im placed now... up here in stage wif the audiences throwing rotten veggies at me.. Monday, April 30, 2001 03:18 p.m. *chapter 1 is over.* i hope everyone is ok... seems like everyone is falling sick lately.. i hope numbness is ok. she's been thru alot of physical pain the past few days.. i kinda feel sorry that i cant help even though im majorinf in health sciences.. i feel so useless. just finished my first paper.. but still have 2 more to go. i felt really good coz i manage to answer all the questions.. with conviction. and i think im gonna do alright on it. next 2 will be a major headache.. i just hope i get thru this. hope hope hope.. so i did try and asked you out. but u said u had sumthing on.. maybe next time. i kinda pessismistic abt the 'next time' thingy u said. coz i noe it will never happen.. and yet im still trying.. coz im not a quitter. never was.. no matter how much the tables are against me. i still will wait for that time where i noe we will have great fun. i just wish u cld open up more. ... sigh. hey beatnik.. i hope ur doin fine. ill be bringing a box of kleenex for the gig.. and that is for marchtwelve and return to fall's set. coz we are gonna have such a good time we will cry. have fun todae wif ur sunshine reaction. u deserve this more than anyone else. doesnt matter what everyone thinks. jus go get some. Monday, April 30, 2001 01:25 p.m. *blackstar* supposed to cut hair on sat.. but decided to go straight o the gig at la salle anyway.. main reason for goin to the gig early??.. was to catch mary cherry. and dyn. playing drums. and they rocked. they were so awesome me and beatnik were saying.. "they hafta play on the next gig".. they played an original.. heh.. inspired by the adik during the ska fest at YP.. entitled 'sorry, technical problem'. which was brilliant at the same time. heh. but that was the fun part. till you came along.. which was good at first.. but the way u waved.. (which was of course after i sent u a msg asking you why cldnt u even look and say bye0)... was so.. fake. well,. thats the only word i cld think off at this moment. which kinda like ruined the whole moment. but why issit that whenever i feel this way ill always be like letting you noe abt it.. and in the end process will be the one feeling guilty just because im habouring this kind of thoughts?.. im always asking for forgiveness.. am i asking too much.. to keep u in arms length??.. maybe im destined to be deprived of real bliss. maybe. just forgive me if i find my way back home. sigh. anyway,.. the jamming was BRILLIANT. cldnt have been any better. but i was still in a very 'foul' mood while jamming. so if i accidentally stepped on anyone's ego, im sorry. didnt meant it. unfall.. wat happed uh?. u were supposed to meet us.. or were u driving too fast?.. heh. its ok. ill be seeing you guys after fri. my final papers start tomorrow. and im doomed.. Sunday, April 29, 2001 05:22 p.m. *newton* todae was a very eventful day ( as u can see in the entry below ). met numbness, beatnik.. .and the rest of the guys. never have i seen subway so pack wif frens in such a long time. had the gig meeting.. then everyone came/. the best part came when i met reaction. we went to newton together wif beatnik, nizam,.. and that 80's fella(sani). heh. ate like there's no tomorrow. and i have a fucking bad flu now. met max surin. hehe. sat at the table next to him. we had cockels(2 variations) stingray, that green veggie thingy.. and satay. and lotsa lychee juice. was stuck there due to the rain. but it was fun. will be cutting my hair later... will be accopmanied by beatnik. i dunnoe what he will tell my hair dresser. lets jus go ahead wif it. might go to the la salle gig... beatnik claims he misses his old skool. hehe. will be having fun there... definitely. hehe. will laugh at those stoopid numetal bands. real sucky ones. hehe. those wif monkeys as their frontman. hehe. then will be jamming wif marchtwelve..so excited. then might meet my best buddy in sec skool for some serious drinking sessions.... and yes... ill be having my first paper on mon., sucky. to kellynumb.. thanks for signing. and good lucks for those dreaded papers.. and numbness... u did well on my website. thanks for helping me out. i kinda like it actually. reaction,.. u better fucking wake up early. or all hell will break lose. same goes to you beatnik. hahaha. see u at orchard mrt 2pm. tata. Saturday, April 28, 2001 04:12 a.m. *lovelight shine...* so what did i do todae?.. well. i met u at spinelli's. then we walked down till we had to go our own seperated ways. have i ever told you that my hands... well.. my whole body actually.. shakes when ur around? i dont noe why. its like being vulnerable and weak. im kinda confused by this. i noe that i claimed that ive given up. but i dont let go of special pple like you that easily. ur still very much part of my life. ur in my thoughts.. my writings.. my music. hell.. even in my dreams. but u did a good thing todae. we actually made eye contact while talking. and yes.. u looked good todae even though u felt like u were in your pajamas. u were awfully cute,.. if i didnt like u at all i would have puked my breakfast. keep it up like this and we'll really be friends.. as u say. but are we?.. friends i mean. i noe u read this shitty diary of mine every 2 or 3 days.i appreciate that. coz there are a lot things i can say to you here that i wldnt even dream of telling you in real life. coz im a dreamer.im always up there wif the seagulls. how i wish u cld let go once and just be free. ive seen the insecurity in ur eyes. it was eminating so strong i felt like huggin u jus now. maybe my hunch is wrong... i still care... and the will to carry on my dreams are still very much strong. and when i go up on stage... make sure ur nearby. i want u to see my emotions. i want u to see me cry. but i dont want ur pity... nor your tears of guilt. i just want u to see that im for real. that im in desperation for your feelings. that im willing to give it all up. i noe i sound crazy. i noe im freaking you out. but i bet in ur whole entire life never have u seen feelings like this... like mine. and im not angry nor sad. im jus... Saturday, April 28, 2001 03:58 a.m. *extra crisp finish* will be goin to school later on. big thanks to numbness for changing my layout.. though not really what i expected...but thanks anyway(heh...) so wats up for todae?.. hhmm... study at school... then on the evenings there's the stoopid gig meeting.. then mos prollie chill out wif wan till 3am.. or sumthing .. i cant wait for marchtwelve's jamming tomorrow.. its been like 3 weeks since the whole band jammed together. thanks for beatnik though for sessioning whenever the madnor(bass..oh.. BWWAASSS>...) is not around. heh.will be having my first paper .. am i prepared?? i am.. but i wld have been more up to it if none if the things that went on during the past few weeks of my life happened.. sigh. i just love being rejected nowadays.. im looking forward for the so called 'emo-fest' (thats how the kids call it) that we are doing.. Return To Fall and marchtwelve...back to back.. finally.. coz now we dont share the same drummer. hehe.. i just wish i already have that stupid SG guitar..hehe. more indie rock. thats seems to be what ive been doing lately.. wishingh. wish for this..wish for that.. ah fuck it. i dont think it harms to wish. i just hope i dont HURT pple while wishing.. ill see u guys later.... reaction, numbness and beatnik. hopefully i ca se unfall.. but he's having his last paper's tomorrow.. so gd luck bro.. wel'll prove to those bastards we aint just a bunch of school dropouts.. oh. and to anyone reading this who have seen me and my friends ard and think we're just a bunch of dropouts and glue-sniffing pple.. think again. some of us are working towards a degree. some towards a diploma.. some already are already working at companies and the yhave glamorous titles such as 'graphic designer' ... ' computer consultants'.. i dont even wanna go on. so fuck you. unpretentious pple. Friday, April 27, 2001 10:36 a.m. *numbness says* u might find the entries gone..but theyre not.theyve been archived.i do jo a favour by revamping his pitas every now and then...which by now has been twice.i should start chargin him...but i wont...cos hes my buddy. so jo...eat ur heart out.and hope u like this. -numbness Friday, April 27, 2001 03:21 a.m. |